'Auxies' for 2007

Every year, the CPL will give auxiliary awards, or 'Auxies' to those who display excellence, or real terribleness in certain categories. Here are the results of the first ever Auxie awards: look for the 2008 nominations soon!

1. The Rheal Cormier award is given to the worst draft pick. – OP seems to have a stranglehold on this award. Chris Carpenter was taken 17th overall, the 2nd pitcher after Santana, and put up these elite numbers: 0-1, 3k’s, 7.50 era 1.67whip. OP still managed to finish second, with era being the deciding tie-breaker in the championship round. How ironic…

2. The Chris Shelton award, given to the owner of the player that had the best start then is cut by the all-star break. No idea. I’ll award this Travis Boggs for quitting and covering himself in chicken-poo in the process.

3. The Depends award goes to the team with the highest average age. Yeah, no idea. Let’s give it to Snot on the Ball who must have wet himself when BJ Ryan’s ‘bad back’ migrated to his elbow.

4. The Huggies award goes to the team with the lowest average age. I think this one goes to the Regs for all the rookies he masterfully used to win the title.

5. The Albert 'don't call me Joey' Belle award goes to the fiercest trash talker. I think Regs did all right, but I’ll leave this one up for discussion.

6. The Jody Reed award goes to the best stats from the Shortstop position. (I'm really shooting for this one). All the good SS’s swapped teams at some point last year, so we’ll just follow the best player last year. That was Hanley, so Snot wins the coveted Jody Reed award.

7. The Matt Young award goes to the worst ERA. Mutants/Boggs/Creig finished the season with 4 pitchers with an era over 5. One over 6. He had this prize claimed before time began.

8. The Indiana Jones award goes to the lowest WHIP. Sleeve’s stable of relievers consisted of 4 guys with sub-1 whips, and one with 1.01. this one wasn’t very close either.

9. The 'you stink' award goes to the first team that gets skunked 10-0. It is with great pleasure that this award is presented to the Swine Nine, for falling to the Regs, 10-0 in week 12. In fact, Swine had an 0-9 and a 10-0 week also. Way to keep it interesting each week.

10. The JD Drew award goes to the team with the most time spent on the DL. I’ll award this to Snot for keeping Liriano on his DL from draft to draft. Very productive…

11. The 2004 Yankees award can go to the team that chokes the worst. Things pretty much stayed consistent throughout the season (though OP almost handed this award to the Regs). Let’s give an honorary award to Trevor Hoffman for ruining the Padres season in that playoff game.

12. The Rickey Henderson award goes the SB champion, thus requiring the winner to refer to himself in the third person on every post for the next season, or else he's fined $1. (IE: The Regulators don't think that the Regulators will lose to AC this year. Signed, the Regulators.) This award goes to Mutants/Creig (I think, I’m not adding them all up.) Creig must now refer to himself in the 3rd person on all league posts.

13. The Evil Empire Award goes to the team with the most Yankees used during the season. This award is given to snot for not only drafting Clemens, but sitting on him for a few months hoping to profit from the evil one’s work for the evil empire. Shameless…

14. The cheerleader award goes to the team that uses the most Sox during the season, and they must change their yahoo avatar to a skirt wearing female. Ladies and gentlemen: The Lady Legends!

15. The Cheese steak award goes to Paul every year for using the most Phillies. Congrats on living up the spirit of the award Roid. There are currently 5 Phillies on your roster.

16. The Balco award goes to the team that uses the most players implicated in steroid use. Let’s give this to the Raiders, and tweak it to say that they SHOULD have used some performance enhancements after that season.

17. The ‘3 squares and a cot award’ goes to the team that has the most players who have brushes with the law in 2007. Since Clemens legal troubles have been mostly 2008, we’ll give this award to Legends for employing mr. Barry Bonds. (also, there are rumors A-Rod is receiving illegal botox injections into his lips. Don’t check it, just tell everyone).

18. The broken mirror award goes to any team that picks up Julian Tavares. He is so friggin ugly. Let’s give this to Fight in the Shade cause I don’t think they’ve won one yet, and Carlos Guillen is pretty ugly.

19. The Greenies award goes to the team that is voted on being the slowest at responding to trade proposals. (Implying that they need some speed). So many choices. I’ll nominate Swine, Raiders and Roid, then let the league chime in.

20. The Bonnie and Clyde award goes to the team that is on the receiving end of the most lopsided trade. Definitely the Raiders. I mean, they got Mariano Rivera!! For a catcher and a 4th round pick!! That’s so blatantly lopsided, it’s not even close! (wait, what do you mean my team is locked??)

21. The Crack pipe award goes to the most ludicrous trade proposal (nominations must be sent Ken). Again, I’ll let the league award the pipe.

22. The Green Card is award goes to the team that uses the most
latinos during the season. I think this goes to Roid Rage. He has 10 names that sound Hispanic. (Viva Zapata!)

23. The Godzilla Vs. Mothra award goes to the team that uses the most Japanese players. Raiders had 4 different samurai’s on his roster this year, but Legends wins this one with 2 currently employed: Dice-K and Kaz Matsui.

24. The Crazy Eighty award goes to the one who has the most transactions. Snot had 79. way to save that last one just in case…

25. A Hot Dog is awarded to the team that uses the most Americans. Um, yeah, it’s my list, I’ll take this one. I’m not counting…

26. Free Health Care is awarded to the team that uses the most Canadians. Currently a tie at 2 between SoW and Snot, the award will be given to Sleeve of Wizard, because he had 3 at one time (Bay, Bedard, Martin).

27. The Jake Taylor award is given to the team with the highest rated catcher. Regs wins with V-Mart, who barely edges Martin.

28. The Ricky Vaughn award goes to the team with the Highest WHIP. Once again, not really close. Mutants/Creig has one of the worst rosters of pitching ever assembled. Mad props for that…

29. The FU JOBU award goes the HR champion. I think this goes to OP. if you want to be sure, you count them.

30. The Pepto Bismol award goes the team with the (most) runs. I’m not counting these either, but Regs numbers look pretty good. congrats Regs!

31. The Rob Deer award goes to the team with the lowest .AVG. Mutants/Creig is cleaning up!

32. The Dan Duquette award goes to the team in First place at the All-Star break. The Regs were pretty much in first for most of the season. There was that one week though…

33. A Yo Adrian award is given to any team that overcomes a 10 game deficit to make the playoffs. Legends, you made the playoffs, so I guess you can have this one.

34. A Kazhakstani Pr0stitute is awarded to any team that wins a week 10-0. Swine and Regs will each have one Fed-Ex’d during draft week.

35. The Roger Dorn’s Wife award goes to the team with the highest rated third baseman. Legends had this one wrapped up in April with A-Fraud.

36. The ‘He Did What to His What?’ award is given to the oddest injury of the year. Roid Rage has Joel Zumaya, who has turned odd injuries into a hobby.

37. The “what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Award is given to the worst trash talker. (This is only with regards to the yahoo message board, Not the little trash talk blurb on your team). Again, this is up to the masses. I have my nominations though... yeah Roid, i'm looking at you...

38. The Snot on the Ball award goes to the team with the fewest K/9. I had this award before Androids Connundum changed his team name, just so we’re clear. But this goes to Mutants as well. He did not have one pitcher with a K/9 over 8. each other team had at least 3. Snot and Regs had 7. Mutants took sucky pitching and turned it into an art form. Masterfully done.

39. The Duke Temple award goes to the team with the most saves. Since Sleeve had closers stashed in every position slot, he wins this in a runaway.

40. Marlee Matlin is awarded to the least frequent message board poster. Mutants is disqualified from this award since falling off the face of the earth evokes the ‘must remain on face of earth’ clause. We’ll give this one to Swine, and hope for some real vitriol from the meat master this year.

41. Relevance is awarded to the team that uses the most Royals and Pirates. There were 5 teams with 2 players each to finish the year, but we’re giving this award to Fight in the Shade, for having most of the Pirates’ rotation on his roster this year.

42. A Jeff Spicoli is awarded to anyone caught starting a pitcher on the DL with an open DL slot. I haven’t checked it, but I just feel that this award needs to go to the Raiders.

43. The Enzyte award goes to the team that loses the most weeks by the score of 6-4 (or 5-4) because you just need that little oomph. OP and Fight in the Shade each had 5 losses like this in the regular season, but this award has to go to OP for losing so painfully in the finals. Losing the ERA tie-breaker on the last day cause Jamie Moyer went 6 scoreless… ouch…


44. The Visit to the White House award is given to the team who uses the most players from the eventual World Series Winner. Happily enough, this also goes to the Lady Legends, for having the most Red Sox. Here’s hoping these awards get doubled up every year.

45. A Corky is awarded to the team with the fewest Home Runs. No idea, but I’m awarding it to Swine Nine, who has only 1 player on his roster with more than 30 homers. Maybe you can double that in 08.

46. A Hello McFly is awarded to anyone who adds a player who is in someway ineligible. (DL, minors, prison, peace corps). I think a lot of teams did this for various reasons, so I award this to everyone! Congratulations! You are all special.

47. The ‘I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed’ award is given to the team with the fewest days on the DL. Fight in the Shade wins this due to their Spartan Phalanx.

48. The Limp Wristed Sally award is given to the team with the fewest RBI. I’m awarding this to Swine Nine. There are several teams with only 2 players who had 100 rbi last year, but swine’s 2 had 102 and 103. good thing he’s getting a corky.

49. The Theo Epstein award goes to the team with the fewest saves. This goes to Fight in the Shade. His final roster boasted an astounding 10 saves. Snot’s final roster had only 4, but he is penalized for selling all his closers, and drafting BJ Ryan in the 5th round. Wow… 5th round… ouch… Did you know that Matt Holliday was taken in the 6th? Papelbon, Ordonez, Webb, Sabathia all went in later rounds… yikes.

50. The ‘I paid $$ and Wasted 6 Months of my Life and all I got was this Stupid Award’ is awarded to the team who gets the most of the above awards. Mutants/Travis/Creig combined to win 7 auxies and the first annual ‘I paid $$ and Wasted 6 Months of my Life and all I got was this Stupid Award’ award. Congrats on having a truly atrocious roster Creig, and for taking over a franchise that formerly belonged to schmoo’s.

The Fantasy Regulator

I've tried twice before to get this blog going, but never really knew what to write about, or why to write about it. I tried to write a little bit of everything, but that just made it too difficult to stay focused and motivated to do it. Now though, my itch for fantasty writing has been grown, and it needs to be scratched. This blog will now be primarily about fantasy baseball and football; mostly about my 2 primary leagues. The California Penal League (defending champion) and the Virginia Football League (2001 and 2003 champ). I'm very excited about this, even though I'm probably the only one. I may be writing just to myself, but gosh-darn it, i'm going to entertain myself. If you happen to stumble across this looking for fantasy tips, I hope you'll find some of the stuff here helpful. If you're a part of one of these 2 leagues, um, no offense... Now, without further adu, the Fantasy Regulator (that name sucks. it will probably change...) is up and running.