Week 8 Review

Snot on the Ball (that's your name... deal with it...) DEF Bounty Hunters 7-3

Thanks to his maniacal management, the leader of the CAN division clearly handled the leader of the CAN'T division in a record setting matchup. This was the first time in the history of the California Penal League that two unbeaten teams have met this far into the season. Snot swept all the offensive categories pretty handily, took saves and Snot's victory in wins can be directly attributed to his starter streaming: Jorge Campillo, Seth 'I couldn't start in Tampa Bay last year' McClung, Jesse Litch, and Bronson Arroyo all got victories for Snot, and not coincidentally, the category ended up being won 9-5. For the math deficient like those in the CAN’T division, that is a difference of 4, and yes I’m cranky this week. Deal with it.
> Stud of the Week: Not only does he hit walk-off’s in the 18th inning of the NL Rookie of the Year, but he also wins weekly fantasy awards! Adrian Gonzalez went 5/3/10/0/.333.
> Dud of the Week: We could give it to Edwin Encarnacion for disappearing this week, but he’s a chronic disappearer, so unless we call this award the Edwin Encarnacion of the Week, we’ll pick someone who was a bigger disappointment: Paul Konerko’s 1/0/0/0/.200.

And now the reason for my crankiness…

Papi’s Space Cadets DEF Regulators 6-3-1

In the first battle of the brothers this week, Papi, with very little contributions from his namesake, handed the Regs their 2nd loss in a ROW, and already took the season series 10-9-1. I will now cut my wrists open with a rusty tuna can lid. Regs could have saved some face, and only lost 5-3-2, but he is an idiot and left a starter on his bench Sunday: A starter who just so happened to earn a W. W’s also just happened to end up 4-3 in favor of Papi. I think I just popped a hernia. Papi has now won 2 of the last 3 weeks after struggling out of the gates. He’s climbed to 8th place, and is only 2.5 games out of the #6 spot.
> Stud of the Week: Gotta be Jon Lester. A No-Hitter with 9K’s really jump starts your pitching for the Week, and grabbing him off waivers the day before never hurts. 1/0/1.93/.79/7.71
> Dud of the Week: Justin Upton, that wonderful phenom, went hitless all week. 2/0/1/0/.0000000000

The Swine Nine DEF BOB’Z BOYZ 6-3-1

In the 2nd instance of younger brother smoking older brother, the beef took down the bobz in a fairly close match. Bob just needed a couple more homers, a few extra hits, 5 more saves, a few less runs given up and several hits taken away from his pitchers, and he would have been right in it till the end. Swine was able to end their 3 week losing streak, and it looks like the BOY’Z will have to wait another couple of weeks to string together the first winning streak in ownership history.
> Stud of the Week: Hunter Pence found his power stroke this week, finally starting to justify his first round status. 5/3/6/0/.308
> Dud of the Week: The Irish Assassin Raul Ibanez: 0/0/2/0/.059

Jobu’s Hats for Bats DEF L.L. Longball 6-3-1

Jobu continued his voodoo driven ascent from the basement, winning his 4th week in a row while handing Longball his 3rd loss in a row. Longball’s impressive offensive week and revealing of his origin of the universe beliefs weren’t enough to overcome Jobu sweeping all 5 pitching categories pitching. Jobu found success with each pitching waiver move he made this week, proving that there seems to be something fishy or voodooey going on with this team. Longball did manage to throw up a record 59 runs this week, but it wasn’t quite enough to topple the demonic one.
> Stud of the Week: Adam Dunn has busted out in a big way the last few weeks. 7/3/6/0/.450. It looks like Dunn, Berkman and Pujols could be fighting for these honors each week in every matchup Jobu’s in.
> Dud of the Week: Since Longball got swept in the pitching marks, we’ll go with Roy Oswalt, who has been very un-aceish this year. 0/0/7.50/2.17/6.00

Legends DEF Karma Chameleons 6-4

Despite the umpires trying desperately to steal homeruns from him, Legends finally had an offensive explosion this season, whacking 17 homeruns and putting up 52 runs and 57rbi. He had 6 players respond with a multi-homer week, and the injury bug that has riddled his team may finally be ready to move on. The win snapped their 5 week winless streak, but the hip lizards have lost 3 of their last 4, with their only win coming against the eternally frustrated Regulators last week. Despite an MVP type season from Chipper Jones, Karma just hasn’t been able to string together a productive week from all of his key players. Someone give Prince Fielder a cheeseburger!
> Stud of the Week: Left for dead last year, Jason Bay is back with a vengeance: 5/3/8/1/.480.
> Dud of the Week: One week after being a stud (against the Regulators… AARGH!!), Mike Napoli went 1/0/0/0/.000. GOOD.

Will Victor Ever Homer?

Today is 5/23/08. It's the Friday before Memorial Day weekend. We've played long enough now that even puny slap hitters have at least got one dinger this year. Such peewee's as David Eckstein, Ramon Santiago, Erick Aybar, even Robert Andino (who's he?? He has 2!!) have gone yard so far with far fewer at bats than regular players. Now, you may ask, 'who cares?' 'What's your stupid point?' 'No one on this Earth cares about your lame stats.' Ok Ok, settle down. There is one team that may find this info relevant. The Swine Nine have on their roster arguably the best hitting catcher in baseball Post-Piazza. However, so far this year, Victor Martinez has a whopping ZERO home runs. None. Nada. Zilch. Even Travis Hafner has more! Swine, if you want, I'll give you Pierzynski back for him, since his lack of power would fit right in on my team.

Lestermania!!!

What an awesome game last night from Red Sox lefty Jon Lester! He walked 2, struck out 9, and oh, by the way, gave up NO hits. As Snot put it so eloquently in an email to me, "Who needs Johan!!" Of course, if that's the case Snot, I'll give you Zack Grienke and a 4th round pick for him...

Anyway, the point of this is to lament 2 things: The fact that I (along with most of the rest of the league from what I'm hearing...) came oh so close to adding Lester yesterday afternoon, but instead opted for Bronson Arroyo... Yes that's right... he of the 6 era, the 1.7 whip, and the COMPLETE INABILITY TO GET BATTERS OUT. Also, the fact that Lester was added by Papi's Space Cadets, providing him with a ridiculous Monday pitching line full of zeros and other pretty numbers. Since of course, Papi and the Regs are battling it out this week, I can come to no other conclusion but this:

Jon Lester is a vengeful and vindictive little twerp who knew I took Arroyo over him and wanted to stick it to me this week. Therefore, I would like to take full and complete credit for motivating Lester to go out and be historic last night. That was my no-hitter right there, thank you very much.

Week 7 Review

Week 7 Review:

Jobu’s Hats for Bats DEF Papi’s Space Cadets 8-2

What an unreal week: Offensively: 43/17/59/4/.293 and Pitching: 4/3/2.77/1.04/8.13… AND HE LOST 8-2!! The only categories Papi won were era and whip, but had he played any other team this week, the worst he would have done is win 6-4 (3 teams) and he would have defeated 3 other teams 8-2. (Stuff that research in your pipe and smoke it, ESPN). Jobu’s lineup was just juggernautish this week. It’s obvious that no one has touched Jobu’s rum for a few weeks now, as his sluggers have juiced 60 homers in the past 4 weeks. All Papi’s Space Cadets can do is curse the schedule maker and hope that the production continues, as they try to climb into playoff contention.

> Stud of the Week: several choices for each side, but we’re going with Ryan Braun this week. 8/6/10/0/.345 just barely beats out the weeks of Babe Berkman and Jayson Werth in a losing cause.

> Dud of the Week: Somehow, Brad Hawpe missed the “we rake this week” memo and spit out a paltry 2/0/0/0/.125 this week. If Mr. Hawpe doesn’t Hop to it (NICE!), he could very soon find himself on Legends…

BOB’Z BOYZ DEF Legends 6-4

Well, it only took 7 weeks, but BOB’Z Boyz finally ended up in victory lane, thanks to an offense that finally awoke after taking the first 6 weeks off. Alas, the same can’t be said for the struggling Legends, who dropped their 4^th week in a row. A profanity laced tirade commemorating the 25^th anniversary of Lee Elia wasn’t enough to get his bats going, or bring A-rod back from his booboo. The BOY’Z had some solid starts go to waste throughout the week too, so this score could have been a lot worse for Legends, as they took wins 6-5. An amusing fact: Kaz Matsui, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Maya Kobayashi… someone needs to trade Ichiro here FAST. Of course, if Ichiro knew he was in danger of heading to Legends, he would probably retire to avoid the certain ruptured Achilles that would certainly follow.

> Stud of the Week: Bob’s roster nominated Travis Hafner, as he was obviously an albatross around their necks, but since we have to award this to an active player, we’ll go with the far-too-often-shopped David Wright: 6/2/3/2/.346

> Dud of the Week: Even though Eric Byrnes’ line of 0/0/0/0/.000 can’t be topped offensively, we’re going to give the award here to Maya Kobayashi, who after recording the 2 saves that motivated Legends to grab him, rewarded Legends with: 0/0/81.00/6.00/0.00. That’s eastern gratitude for ya…

Regulators DEF Karma … oh wait… what??? crap…

Karma Chameleons DEF Regulators 7-3

After dropping 3 weeks in a row, Karma Chameleons got back on the W side with a convincing 7-3 victory over the 3rd seeded Regulators, snapping their 4 week unbeaten streak. Karma had a decent week, but several offensive categories were handed to him thanks to an historically anemic offensive week by the Regs. All they could manage was 4 home runs, as the big boppers were no where to be seen. In fact, The 5 offensive keepers on the Regs roster produced 1 HR, and it was from the speed guy, Carl Crawford! Newly acquired Clint Barmes tied for his team lead in HR with one! The Regulators will have their revenge though… week 15… mark it down….

> Stud of the Week: It has to go to Mike Napoli (grrrr….) The waiver pickup went 2/2/8/2/.294 from the catcher position! Sheesh…

> Dud of the Week: Choose your keeper: Mark “I don’t show up until June even in a contract year” Teixeira went 3/0/0/0/.136, and even tweaked his no-talent back this week. Behind door number 2: Alex “I’ll sign a huge extension and forget how to drive a ball” Rios gave me 1/0/2/0/.143… thanks guys…. appreciate it…

Snot on the Ball DEF L.L. Longball 6-4

Snot on the Ball continued his march toward fantasy history, winning his 7^th week in a row defeating LL in a contest that saw most categories settled decisively. Longball did get serious production (finally) from his uber-studs Ryan Howard and Miguel Cabrera, with Dan Uggla continuing his surge to the middle infield elite, but unfortunately none of them pitch, as Longball was let down by all his starters not named Cole Hamels (though Justin Verlander finally wasn’t terrible). Snot was fairly fortunate to continue his win streak this week, as he was very weak in average, era and whip, but his lineup did just enough, despite human weeks from the dynamic duo of Chase Utley and Hanley Ramirez.

> Stud of the Week: This goes to the sober one, Josh Hamilton, who, moments after not being rejected in a deal that shall remain nameless (grrrr…) exploded for a 6/3/10/0/.429 week. I will now bash my head into my wall…

> Dud of the Week: We will bequeath this award to Jason Isringhausen, who, after losing his closers job, put up these numbers: 0/0/11.57/2.14/3.86, then slapped something sharp and ended up on the DL. I feel that frustrated whenever I try to spell his stupid name. His new name should be Jason Farfromclosin. (isn’t this stupid review done yet?!?!)

Bounty Hunters DEF The Swine Nine 6-4

If the pigs could have just oinked out 2 more wins, this one would have split evenly, with the Hunters taking all the hitting, and the prey taking all the pitching, but somehow the hunters took wins 4-3, and therefore won the week. This matchup produced the overall player of the week in Alfonso Soriano, who WENT OFF, averaging 1hr and 2rbi a day! Soriano almost doubled the Regs homerun output for the week himself! We think it’s safe to say that he’s healthy. Bounty Hunters has not lost yet this year. The only blemish is a week 2 tie to Papi’s Space Cadets. Something has to break this week as Bounty Hunters brings his 5 week winning streak against Snots 7 week winning streak. It’s like Pats Colts last year. Someone has to lose… (unless there’s a tie…).

> Stud of the Week: 10/7/14/0/.516. What, no steals? Chump… you should trade him… you want Alex Rios?

> Dud of the Week: Even though Rafael Betancourt had a 27era and a 5.25 whip, we’re giving this to Victor Martinez, who all of as sudden cannot hit for any power whatsoever. Good thing I traded him!! 1/0/1/0/.192.

Week 6 REVIEW

Week 6 Review:

Snot on the Ball (or whatever the team name is today) DEF Swine Nine 5-4.
In the game of the week, Snot battled Swine down to the last inning of the week, and was able to come out with the narrow victory. Had Joe Nathan been able to secure one more strikeout against the Red Sox, they would have won 5-4, but Manny Ramirez’s groundout lost the game for the sox and swine. Snot’s stellar lineup management was able to secure 5 HR’s from his bench for the week, but Swine’s limp bats couldn’t take advantage.
> Player of the Week: It would have been Joey Votto had Snot actually played him this week, but since he didn’t, we’ll give it to Hanley Ramirez: 8/0/2/3/.471. Had Swine won the week, this would belong to Cliff Lee, who has just had his contract with the devil ratified by the players association.
> Dud of the Week: Snot had some hurlers get shelled, but we’re going to slap this tag on Curtis Granderson. 0/0/2/1/.125. If he’d have had an awesome week, it still may not have changed much, but this keeper had a brutal week, striking out with reckless abandon.

Jobu’s Hats for Bats DEF Bob’z Boyz 5-4
Bob’z Boyz had their best week of the season so far, and only losing by 1 is certainly a step in the right direction for this rookie owner, but Jobu’s power, speed, and saves led the way. BB swept all the pitching % categories, and was one run away from knotting up the week, so he has that going for him… which is nice. Jobu led all teams with 14 homers this week, but most of them must have been solo shots as BB won RBI by 7. Both of these teams are still currently cellar dwellers in their respective divisions, but Jobu has 2 wins in a row and BB is steadily improving, so 4th place is certainly not out the question!
> Player of the Week: Lance Berkman. The player of the year so far (and still on a 9th place team…) he continued his MVP season winning runs and average for Jobu all by himself: 10/2/5/2/.682
> Dud of the Week: Barely eking out Casey Kotchman is Melky Cabrera. Hey, at least he had an RBI: 0/0/1/0/.158

Bounty Hunters DEF Legends 6-4
The surprise team of 2008 continued its winning ways by downing their hated rival Legends for the 2nd week in a row behind fairly poor offensive production, mediocre pitching, steals and saves. Luckily for Boba Fett, Legends were just less mediocre enough. Ichiro and Michael Bourn combined for 8 steals for BH, besting Legends entire roster total of 7. There was a highlight for Legends as they destroyed the 2008 record for fewest RBI in a week with 21. All in all, both teams were lucky to play each other this week. There were a combined total of 15 batters who hit less than .211 for the week. It wasn’t pretty, but Bounty Hunters will take the W. Legends will seethe and burn for revenge until week 15.
> Player of the Week: Legends had some quality starts from Josh Beckett and Eddy Volquez, but we’ll give the award to Ichiro. 5/0/1/4/.360. Dwayne Chapman would like to see maybe a bit more oomph from Ichiro, but you can’t complain about the runs, steals or average.
> Dud of the Week: So many options, but we’ll go with Mike Cameron for these numbers: 0/0/1/1/.063. That’s a lot of 0’s. There were 3 0/4 nights and one ‘night off’. 1-21 streaks will do that. Free Gabe Kapler!!

Papi’s Space Cadets DEF Karma Chameleons 7-3
PSC won their first match of the season by handling KC over a variety of categories. Karma was able to snag steals, wins and saves, but that was all as the wrath of Youk was unleashed. Outside of Jose Reyes’ 3 steals, KC was done in by the lack of production from his superstars. Prince, Reyes, Chipper, Pena combined to be… not so good. Do your own math. Nothing else was especially remarkable about this matchup besides Brad Lidge’s 22.50 K/9. That averages out to 22 and a half strikeouts per 9 innings! Wow.
> Player of the week: Kevin Youkilis was ridiculous. 8/5/10/1/.375. The steal of the draft so far with both CI eligibility is dwarfing the production of his teams namesake so far.
> Dud of the week: Kyle Loshe had a worse era and whip, but Sidney Ponson’s week was an across the board abomination. 10.13era, 2.25whip and 1.69K/9. The scourge of Aruba turned his 2 above average starts into SP brutality for KC’s rotation.

Regulators DEF L.L. Longball 9-1
In the 2nd biggest whoopin this season (behind Snot’s week 2 9-0 victory against Jobu), the Regulators got back to their 07 ways by knocking off the division leading LL Longball in a contest that could have easily been much closer than it was. Dan Uggla made a valiant effort to save HR for Longball, but they fell just short in the money categories: HR/SB. Carl Crawford stole the SB category with a magnificent 4 steals to close out the week. Longball had a chance late Sunday night to tie or take the lead in those 2 categories if Delmon Young could come through, but he couldn’t. Because he stinks.
> Player of the Week: There were some stars on both sides, and Crawford was a dynamo starting on Thursday, but this award goes to Ian Kinsler: 7/1/4/2/.379
> Dud of the Week: Brad Penny was close, but we’re giving this to youngest player ever to be past his prime, Miguel Cabrera: 1/0/0/0/.182.